Friday, May 2, 2008
Sometimes I think that I grow up too fast..
Honestly, I kind of like the idea of living in a nice simple kampung house but of course la the surrounding must be the nice one la not dirty like Malaysian kampungs. Haa sempat aku mengutuk..
Life is so hectic now that many a time I just couldn't figure out what is it that I really want in life..
Sometimes I'm only able to do things halfway cause there are too many things that I wanna or should do but there's just not enough time..
Or maybe I'm just a slow moving ass in denial..
I don't know..
Sometimes I think that I shouldn't get involved into r'ships at such a young age, at 16 years old and that first r'ship only lasted for 2 months.. But I was left heartbroken for nearly a year..
But it was quite easy to let him go actaully cause I hated his hot tempered and egoistic attitude.. And I was glad when he finally found a new girl whom he's engaged to right now..
And no, I won't give him a second chance..
My 2nd r'ship lasted for 4 months which was quite an achievement considering my 1st lasted only for a couple of months haha.. But yea No, I'm not giving him a second chance ever since I saw his pictures with girls at a Sentosa beach..
Like wth, he said he wanted to break up with me cause he wanted to pursue his education and he wanted Barakah but he went for a swim with girls? Girls he was previouly related to somemore!! He's such a creep!! Such a big turn off.. And he claimed that he still couldn't forgive himself for breaking my heart.. Wth? Gosh..
Shan't touch about my recent.. Heh..
And all this while, I've been thinking whether I've wasted precious years of my life having r'ships with those 2 idiots.. I think I have but then again, I'm a bit thankful that I've had these stupid r'ships cause at least I get to know and understand different types of guys from different walks of life..
And make me more appreciative with what I have now..
I'm enjoying the 20th year of my life that's soon to come..
I'm enjoying my life as a single (though it hurts to know that many of my colleagues are gay hahaha!! Oops!! XP)
But I know there's a missing piece in my heart cause when I'm all alone, I really feel the loneliness that dwells within..
Knowing that he chose to leave me to enjoy singledom, I know that eventually, I too have to lead the same path.. But doesn't mean he's dating someone, I must do the same thing though who knows, I might start dating again..
I remember what my ustazah once told me:
"The bravest person is one who admits his mistakes"
And this is so true..
And I know that I've been a coward.. Many people are actually cowards.. No matter how brave a knight can be, it takes a true soul to admit to the king that he was the one who peeped the princess taking her bath.. True?
But I know that I can't continue to be a coward in my 20 years of life to come. And I know that I can't keep on repeating the same mistakes..
And one big mistake is falling in love too fast..
Which was stupid cause at such a young age, the only true love is parental love..
But I admit that it had been fun.. All those mistakes make me the person I am now..
But one question remains unanswered..
Why do guys nowadays mature so slow?
I hope a guy, any guys, can ans this question of mine..
And what's wrong with me that two guys actually ditched me?
Am I too possessive?
Too aggresive?
Too loud?
Too irritating?
Too stupid?
Too ugly?
Too short?
Too fat?
I really couldn't comprehend..
Cause I know that when I'm in a r'ship, I give my all, I give my everything and I will sacrifice for the sake of my love..
And I just couldn't help thinking that IF I were to get involved in a new r'ship, can he really replace my current ex? Can he do the things my ex did for me?
Just like Paula Deanda's Walk Away
" Does he kiss me on my forehead (Before we play)
Turn up at my doorstep (With a bouquet)
Does he call me in the middle of the day
Just to say
Baby I Love You like you used too
It's so hard to express this feeling
Cause nobody compares to you
I know she'll never love you like I do"
So true.. Where can I find a guy who's willing to go through so many shits with me and eventually rise as the sole knight who managed to soften my parents hearts and eventually they let me go out with my boyfriend..
Yes, my parents are strict parents and though they let me go out with guy friends, they're strict when it comes to boyfriend..
Where can I find a guy who's willing to fetch me from home, send me to tuition, wait for me and send me back home again? Practically everyday?
Where can I find a guy who's really sincere and excited to bring me to meet his folks at such an early stage of r'ship?
Where can I find a guy who's willing to totally change for me?
Where can I find a guy who gives me surprise birthday party and a surprise one year anni ring?
Where can I find a guy who's willing to dress the way I like him to be? Though of course not all the time..
Where can I find a guy who still pays for my meal eventhough he's damn short of bread?
Where can I find a guy who's willing to bore himself to death attending inter-school quizes managed by his girlfriend?
Where can I find a guy who's willing to go out eventhough he's damn tired just to accompany me home?
Where can I find a guy who's willing to bore himself to death patiently waiting for me to choose the pair of shoes I like?
Where can I find a guy who pays my hp bill when I don't have enough money to pay, eventhough he's in need of money?
I can't find any other guys who are and/or can do things he did for me..
I can't find any other guys who are like that..
He's one of a kind..
One of a kind..
One of a kind..
And now I hope everyone understands why I love him too much and can't let him go..
And this is exactly what I'm feeling now..
S Club 7's Never Had A Dream Come True
"Even though I pretend that I've moved on, you'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you"
I wish that in my 5 years to come, I won't be wasting my time involving in r'ships with idiots again.. Cause I know, ultimately, he'll still be the one..
And I hope that in my 5 years to come, I would have at least achieve a bit of my ambitions..
I really want to continue my studies..
Perhaps next year is a good year..
Not saying this is not a good year, but this has certainly be the most challenging year of my life..
For now, I shall just enjoy my life as it is..And smile when loneliness hits me cause I know that I still have so many single friends around me..yayy!!
But I hope that the one dream I've been praying for for the last 3+ months will realise one day..
I hope it will..
I know it will..
Insya Allah..
secrets within @ 11:47 PM
